Your own path, your own time

Not a recent photo, but the dance is always current...

I am still not sure how much capacity I have for diligence and drive in my own pursuits right now, even though little H just turned four, and desperate to be independent.  I would like to dive in to dance and say I´ll devote every spare moment.  I have the karmic energy, maybe not the physical energy.  But a big part of me also just wants to take it easy, not expect too much, not expect to drop everything and return to dance after basically taking a year off, and taking several years off from performing.  Isn´t it enough to find some groundedness in this crazy life that has been handed me, isn´t it enough to seek serenity and do whatever makes me happy in the moment, even if it´s planting rows of carrots in the garden instead of practicing my turns and upper body technique?  I don´t yet have an answer.  I don´t want to feel guilty for watching DIY home improvement and design videos online.  I also don´t want to feel guilty for harboring that secret dream to drop everything and dance and live in abject poverty.  I am not expecting answers.  But I´m saying this is where my mind goes.  This is the nature of the artsy mama I guess.

I spent most of midwinter break decorating the garage with the upholstered insulation panels I mentioned in a previous post, getting really good at the staple gun and the liquid nails with the caulking gun.  And I kept wondering when I would consider myself "done" and ready to start using the space for dancing.  The floor was in there.  Wasn´t that enough?  Shouldn´t I drop everything and dance?  No, I guess not.  It needs to look good, and feel good, before I´ll be comfortable being myself and stretching my abilities.  There is always a balance to be struck in each day. 

What is most important today?  What´s the next step?  What can I do now?  It doesn´t have to be all at once.  It doesn´t have to be right now.  Next year I will drop everything and dance.  And it will be okay.  And in the meantime I will care for my son the way he needs to be cared for, and I will care for myself the way I need, and I will slowly work my way back to a place where I feel confident and completely immersed in art.

IEP, Garage transformation, new dreams for Spring

Spring is coming.  The gigantic cherry tree in our yard is full of tiny pink blossoms that are cotton-candy thick, blocking our view of... everything.  Our patio is planted with seeds of all kinds, in boxes, in containers, in hanging pockets, and I have my fingers crossed.  Things will happen.

First stages of studio creation:  Hudson helps paint the walls.

The garage is almost done - I've been slowly transforming it from the drop-off station for all our extras after we moved in, to a usable dance space for practice that will not feel dark and dingy.  I have the floor pretty well set up:  Foam tiles and MDF board on top of that.  There are insulation foam boards decorated with fabric adorning the walls and the garage door (without fabric), and there is a free mirror I got from someone off craigslist leaning against the wall.  Whenever anyone remodels their bathroom, they give away the old mirror!  Seems like one shows up on the free list every 48 hours on craigslist.  Inspired, I decided we'd take down our own bathroom mirror and use that to have a bigger reflective area, and buy a smaller framed mirror for the bathroom.  Okay, all details aside, it's turning out to be a pretty functional space, and I'm "done" enough with the setup to start using it for practice.

It might change my life.  I've been trying to slow down and not rush anything, but I feel a steady push leading me back in the direction of flamenco after dancing very little for about a year.  I thought perhaps I'd get back into classical music.  I thought I could push myself back into poetry.  And this is scary to say, because I hate sounding definitive about anything, but what I am naturally drawn to explore and learn more about and what gets my heart pumping just thinking about it, is flamenco.  It's scary because I don't know if I'll do it as "well" as I want, I fear that I will come up against the same barriers of time and childcare that felt so insurmountable before, and I'll feel insufficient.  But my slower mentality is telling me it will be ok, don't get ahead of myself.  The important thing is to dance when I can find time, find videos online because it's fun, and keep myself healthy and ready to go for the times when I can really dive in, like Spring Break.  Things will happen.

And this morning we had an IEP meeting for H at preschool, which lasted almost 2 hours.  We learned that he is apparently quite the little dancer and athlete at school, though we don't see much of it at home.  We learned so much more.  The actual IEP document is 15 pages long and details his present levels of skill in social, communicative, pre-academic, and other areas.  And it lays out specific goals to reach in each area for the next school year.  It was such a joy to hear so much about what he's doing at school, and to hear about what they think he can do.  To start actively playing with peers, to initiate conversation, to independently follow multi-step instructions, it made me feel giggly just imagining him doing all this.  So, needless to say my energy is super high today, I'm pumped on all the possibilities, and I haven't really sat down to do any concrete planning for classes the rest of this week.  Now that I've gotten some of it out, perhaps I can decide what exactly we'll practice in Spanish class.  Wish me luck.

What I learn from a two-year-old

It has been a long stretch without a post to this blog, mostly due to my own freak-out and needing to step back and look at life from new angles and re-settle things in my mind a bit, re-organized.  But contemplating, playing, planning, discussing, oh, and going to lots of therapy sessions, have been a really good way to spend the past few months. 
The biggest takeaway from this Spring has been that having a two-year old seems to run my life, but it doesn't have to be that way.  I commented to a colleague recently who has a 3rd-grader that there is no "sweet spot" of actually making all this career-art-mother balance.  It is just hard.  He commented back, "unless it's all a sweet spot and you just have to look at it differently."  He paused, and I tilted my head in that "well, maybe so..." kind of way.  "But we both know that's bullshit", he said.  Yup. He went on to explain that he remembers having a toddler and the stress level was entirely different.  He can actually sit down with his kid to read books in the evenings, and can go outside to play sports with him, and I keep that in the back of my mind....

My two-year-old is teaching me patience.  Both the patience needed to find out why he's throwing a tantrum and to stick with him through it, and the patience needed to understand that he will someday be a 3rd-grader.  He is teaching me that he can do things by himself -- like read his duck book, play with his musical toys, and play in the bath, and I can ABSOLUTELY take little moments in his playtime to read a poem or look through my own writing.  The rest is all about scheduling - even personal time has to be scheduled when you're a working, creative mamma, or even if you're a creative, stay-at-home dad like my husband.  We've gotten lazy.

Our plan is to actually schedule babysitting time well in advance so that  we have date nights set up regularly.  I have just started a summer session of adult ballet that I'll take one or two nights a week.  In the summer, when I'll be home with the kiddo I'll take him to a drop-in daycare once or twice a week so I can sit in a coffee shop and do some writing.  When next school year starts, little H will be registered in the NSCC co-op preschool program and while Ben will sometimes have to be involved as a member, he will get some sessions off to do his own thing.

Meanwhile, we watch our little guy learn new words every day, switching between his Spanish and English vocabulary, we watch him get excited about a new book, we cuddle and tickle and tackle and spin umbrellas in the rain.  And of course, also, we try to get him to eat dinner without the house becoming a war zone.  We try to get him distracted from a toy whose batteries have run out.  We try to get him to sleep in his toddler bed for the whole night.  And we stay patient. And I will continue to use this blog as my process, and my place to share what I experience and what I learn.

Dancing with the bata

I recently (and finally!) was able to attend some classes taught by Sara de Luis in her studio on Capitol Hill and I am reminded what a long ways I have to go to get comfortable with the bata de cola.  I first learned it in Sevilla in 2008 but didn't even finish the four-week class I got so demoralized.  I really tried to push through it but in the end I decided better to keep some sanity and come back to it later. 

This is NOT my bata but  I don't have photos of it.

I think I'm feeling a little more sane about it now, but I still felt myself get nervous and tight as soon as I had to wear it in front of a class and try to follow their steps (which, by the way, they were already learning because I came into the class a week late, way to go).  It requires ballet technique, strong hips, and super duper confidence.  Those things are not what I have, but I'm working on it.  I have a goal to some day perform in it.  I will become best friends with my bata.

Most dancers wait a good several years before learning it because it requires such a different and specialized technique.  I did not take advantage of the ability to practice it when I got back from Sevilla, so left it mostly untouched since then, which was a big mistake.  "Hard core" flamenco is considered "prop-free" but everyone is still expected to know the props, like the bata, the manton, the castanets, the fan.  It's a lot of work.  Luckily I have winter break upon me to dedicate the hours I need...