A day in the life: Things to remember come January

I do partly want to make sure I have some detail on how I spend my summer days so that I'll remember what this feels like and not despair when I am sitting through a dark January day when it seems like I am on a clumsy yet pressured track of work/parent/work/parent.  I also partly want to be sure I reflect on the importance of leisure and art in a larger philosophical sense, and to engage in the conversation that I see in books like Imagine, Drive, and in the New York Times about how are lives could be if we just relaxed.
I have given up on waking up early.  It's hard enough to do that during the school year.  Instead I've been allowing myself to stay up late (like right now) and spend time reading and writing for a couple hours before bed.  That way I can wake up with H in the morning and be forced out of bed but I've still gotten some self-expression into my daily cycle.  We have a slow morning and will alternate between reading books and taking care of business like getting dressed, making breakfast.  Breakfast is the only meal H will sit down at a chair for, wear a bib, and calmly eat until he is done.  Still sleepy I guess.

Then we have a "morning adventure" of some kind, but I always make sure we're out of the house around 10 going somewhere.  Beach, wading pool, community center, hiking... I make sure I have snacks for snack time, which is usually actually an early lunch.  It's a bit beyond snacking when we sit down to munch together.  The goal is to have an 11:30 snack and then lunch around 1pm, but sometimes those both get squished together to around noon. 

Naptime always happens either in the car on the way home or in a stroller walk - we have given up on trying to take naps in bed.  That is just two hours of rolling around and then grumpy kid for the rest of the day.  But the blessing of naps is the free time for mamma.  H will sleep for about two hours, and this gives me time to read, write, stretch, play music, watch Spanish drama online, etc., whatever my need is for the day.  Essentially, I get to binge on all things artsy almost every afternoon.  I was commenting to Ben that it feels amazing to even have mental capacity for all these things I'm interested in, whereas during the school year I tend to stare at the wall when I get home and if Hudson occupies himself for a few minutes. My brain is just fried.  I'm hoping that will change now that I'm a little more comfortable with my new school, but still the difference in how I function during the summer is pretty remarkable.  I find that even when H is not napping, I take advantage of spare moments much better - reading a magazine page here or an arts calendar there.  And I do it without feeling stressed or obligated, the most important thing.  "The Busy Trap" was an article in the NY Times that struck me -- and it's very in line with other things I've been reading recently -- by reminding me it's possible to be productive, ambitious, and profound without being "busy".  Huh.  Let's try it.

The events I've gone to in the evenings over the past month have also increased - our ability to plan ahead and get out plus my ability to go out on a weeknight has greatly expanded our options.  I went to see the B'shnorkestra  which is Sam Boshnack's project, at the Royal Room with my sister, and it was fabulous.  I have known Sam for years and love her dearly but that has no influence on my opinion that her music is freaking amazing.  It's crazy rhythm and jazz solos and original melodies and a great instrumentation for a 14-piece orchestra of musicians from across many genres.  Freaking amazing.  I have also gone to a reading of the Monarch Review contributors at the Third Place Pub with my dear friend Rhona, which was a great variety show of verse and story of all kinds from a great variety of local writers.  It got so many little ideas stinging the inside of my brain as I listened, and that's the best feeling.  I also went with Ben to see the  Caminos Flamencos show that toured up to Seattle from California a few weeks back.  We were able to say hi to other flamencos in the audience, many of whom I haven't seen in months, and we were mesmerized by the flamenco on stage.  The talent and the quality of the show were impeccable.  Jason McGuire is clearly one of the best guitarists in the country, as Ben told me he would be. 

I've also been taking ballet classes this summer and will be starting up a new round of flamenco classes next week.  All of these are things I may have to say goodbye to during the school year, but hopefully Ben and I will still get our regular dates.  We're planning to go to the Capitol Club on Tuesday night, which definitely won't happen during the school year.  Tonight we have a babysitter scheduled from 6-8pm.  What we will do or where we will go is undetermined, but so long as I can have a drink, look into my husband's eyes, and quietly tell him how much I love him without getting interrupted by a tiny plastic helicopter being flung past our heads, it will be a worthy event.

Wading pools, bathroom windows, and babysitting

 

I learned several things today.  In no particular order:

1. Always bring toys to the wading pool.  You need some goods to barter otherwise you're going to have the schmuck toddler who runs around stealing other water toys with nothing to give in return.  Also, don't eat all the snacks before the lifeguard calls all clear for chemical treatment.  Yesterday I literally had to tackle Hudson to keep him from running into the water while she treated it and all the other kids seemed to wait so patiently, not kicking and screaming.  I had that kid.  However, today I had food to hunker down with, and in the quiet I could hear some other toddlers screaming... perhaps I just couldn't hear them yesterday over Hudson's own noise...

2. Never lock the door without keys.  Our front door can be locked by turning the switch on the handle on the inside and then pulling it shut behind you.  Not cool if you've accidentally left your keys inside.  What's even less cool is when you get to within a block from home after walking in the midday heat from the Green Lake wading pool to realize you don't have keys, and figure that they must have fallen out at the lake so walk back in the heat to look again in the grass and ask the lifeguard, only to find nothing, because, of course, they are in your living room.  Back at home, and with toddler finally waking up from his nap (spent entirely in transit in the stroller to and from the lake twice), the only option is to grab one of Ben's painting ladders from the side of the building and set it up next to the bathroom window.  Distract toddler from trying to climb with you.  Try not to think about the chain of events that will ensue if you fall and land on either the concrete outside or the mass of tile and porcelain surfaces inside.  Try not to break the towel rack even though it seems to be the only thing between you and a concussion against the bathroom counter.  Cheerfully say hi to toddler as you appear from the front door as if nothing happened, except that you are considerably dirtier and more out of breath than when he saw you last.

3.  Have the babysitter come early.  But try not to have your ride show up too.  Hudson cries whenever anyone comes over, whether I'm staying or leaving.  He just assumes I'll be leaving.  We don't have enough friends come over to hang out, we only have babysitters.  (Although Hudson actually got used to his Aunty Sarah the other day.)  So, the babysitter came fifteen minutes before my departure and Hudson was just coming out from behind my back where he was hunkered down with his sippy cup, playing some very coy peekaboo, when my ride to the poetry reading came and his anxiety got all riled up again.  I almost might have been able to say goodbye without tears.  But you know, I will take it as it is, because at least he bawls because he loves me and is attached healthily.  Within fifteen minutes he's fine and playing enthusiastically. 

What a day.

What I learn from a two-year-old

It has been a long stretch without a post to this blog, mostly due to my own freak-out and needing to step back and look at life from new angles and re-settle things in my mind a bit, re-organized.  But contemplating, playing, planning, discussing, oh, and going to lots of therapy sessions, have been a really good way to spend the past few months. 
The biggest takeaway from this Spring has been that having a two-year old seems to run my life, but it doesn't have to be that way.  I commented to a colleague recently who has a 3rd-grader that there is no "sweet spot" of actually making all this career-art-mother balance.  It is just hard.  He commented back, "unless it's all a sweet spot and you just have to look at it differently."  He paused, and I tilted my head in that "well, maybe so..." kind of way.  "But we both know that's bullshit", he said.  Yup. He went on to explain that he remembers having a toddler and the stress level was entirely different.  He can actually sit down with his kid to read books in the evenings, and can go outside to play sports with him, and I keep that in the back of my mind....

My two-year-old is teaching me patience.  Both the patience needed to find out why he's throwing a tantrum and to stick with him through it, and the patience needed to understand that he will someday be a 3rd-grader.  He is teaching me that he can do things by himself -- like read his duck book, play with his musical toys, and play in the bath, and I can ABSOLUTELY take little moments in his playtime to read a poem or look through my own writing.  The rest is all about scheduling - even personal time has to be scheduled when you're a working, creative mamma, or even if you're a creative, stay-at-home dad like my husband.  We've gotten lazy.

Our plan is to actually schedule babysitting time well in advance so that  we have date nights set up regularly.  I have just started a summer session of adult ballet that I'll take one or two nights a week.  In the summer, when I'll be home with the kiddo I'll take him to a drop-in daycare once or twice a week so I can sit in a coffee shop and do some writing.  When next school year starts, little H will be registered in the NSCC co-op preschool program and while Ben will sometimes have to be involved as a member, he will get some sessions off to do his own thing.

Meanwhile, we watch our little guy learn new words every day, switching between his Spanish and English vocabulary, we watch him get excited about a new book, we cuddle and tickle and tackle and spin umbrellas in the rain.  And of course, also, we try to get him to eat dinner without the house becoming a war zone.  We try to get him distracted from a toy whose batteries have run out.  We try to get him to sleep in his toddler bed for the whole night.  And we stay patient. And I will continue to use this blog as my process, and my place to share what I experience and what I learn.

Love Stories II: Remember how we said we'd put the relationship first?

Finding ways to keep us all happy!

Part of our process of preparing for marriage was writing up lists of expectations and needs and comparing them and reflecting on them.  One of the expectations was for both of us to maintain the relationship and our family, as it grows, as the number one priority, even when careers and art get more intense.  Easy to say when you haven't come face to face with it yet.

So how we end up doing that now, five and a half years, one toddler, two vibrant careers later, is the tricky question.  I'm just getting off a full week of vacation that started and ended with flamenco gigs, at Agua Verde and Bilbao, respectively.  And I have decided to very intentionally stop performing for the spring so that I can have one trimester of school with less pressure, and see how that feels.  We have also decided to have Papá put the baby to bed at least one night a week so that I can have some alone time to read (imagine that!!) and then to have some time to hang out with Papá if I can stay up that late.  If possible, we are going to find a date night when we do not schedule other things and can have a babysitter take Hudson for just a couple hours in the evening, and once a week is the goal but even every other week will feel luxurious.  We have had to sit down and talk explicitly about how to schedule our lives, how to show each other our affection in little ways, how to maintain connection, so that we remain strong.  It doesn´t just happen on its own that is for sure. 

I loved performing at Bilbao the other night -- we were focused, calm, and had a good time.  It really goes to show that the venue can affect your performance, which I didn't fully believe until I went from Agua Verde, where it is noisy and we were very much in the background, to Bilbao in the same week.  So I am in a way sad to set aside performances for a while, because I feel pretty convinced that it can work well.  On the other hand, as soon as I vocalized my decision and said I was not going to worry about dancing, I felt a bit of a physical relief, that some of that stress automatically lifted.  Goes to show how the back and forth will always be there.  I feel like "just" a career and a kid is so, well, boring, even though it's an intricate and fascinating balance of its own.  If there's no art, it doesn't quite feel right, though I'm trying to chill my ambitious ego a bit and enjoy the sensation of having my family truly, intentionally, be the number one priority.  A happy mommy makes for happy kids.  Breathe in.  Repeat.  Breathe out. 

Nightlife contemplations

Babysitting is finally happening.  Like, real, put-him-to-bed and let me party babysitting.  We've been hiring the cousin of one of my colleagues for some weekend daytime babysitting and frequently we use the grandparents for a dinner date, but this weekend was the first time Ben and I BOTH went out to see music at a venue, Nectar in Fremont, on Saturday night.  I repeat, the first time.  This was one of the reasons we wanted to move back to the city.  We had my dear friend Rebecca babysit Hudson.  It was the second time he'd hung out with her and when we walked in at 12:30 she said he had fought bedtime a little bit but only in a sweet, I want to stay awake, kind of way.  Otherwise everything had gone great.  I was stoked. 

I have a couple colleagues at work who are pregnant, and one gave me a ride home recently from a faculty party that ended up going until almost midnight -- but we left around 7:30 -- we talked about how she dreaded the end of nightlife as we drove away, and I could say little more than, "yeah, it sucks."  She and her husband dropped me off in Wallingford where I was going to meet up with Ben and then drop him off at Bilbao to watch a new set of flamencos take over the gig there.  As in, I was going home to put Hudson to bed and he was going out to have a big flamenco night.  He ended up hanging out until two in the morning having a juerga with them all in an art gallery somewhere in Pioneer Square.  After leaving the faculty party early and then watching my husband head out to party on a weeknight, I went home feeling a little bitter.

Since I am the full-time career woman, and also the one who Hudson clings to most and who he falls asleep with, I tend to be the early-to-bed parent.  I wake up at 5:45am so I can't afford to stay up late anyway.  It is definitely hard to be the responsible one sometimes.  I get a little jealous when Ben goes out and meets people, because it's just as hard for me to make friends, and I even get a little jealous when he gets to stay up late just watching flamenco videos and drinking beer. 

I keep reminding myself that there is a bigger, more long-term picture here:  Hudson is growing and changing and soon he'll go to sleep on his own (I don't actually know if this will ever happen, I'm just saying it will) and I will have more control over my evening.  Some day he'll be able to come to flamenco rehearsals with us.  Some day he'll spend the weekend with the grandparents.  Some day...

And yet the other side of the big picture is that I came in to motherhood fully prepared (or at least this is what I tell myself) to take on the time and responsibilities that come with it, and being with my son and helping him sleep well are important parts to this.  It may not feel as exciting as a live show in Fremont or a juerga in Pioneer Square, but it's important.  Saturday night was a turning point and made me feel like a "regular" person again in many ways, but I also would never take back the "motherhood" piece of my identity that I now have forever.  I am still getting over the shock that the Saturday night date happened.  There is hope.