26 March 2014

Your own path, your own time

Not a recent photo, but the dance is always current...
I am still not sure how much capacity I have for diligence and drive in my own pursuits right now, even though little H just turned four, and desperate to be independent.  I would like to dive in to dance and say I´ll devote every spare moment.  I have the karmic energy, maybe not the physical energy.  But a big part of me also just wants to take it easy, not expect too much, not expect to drop everything and return to dance after basically taking a year off, and taking several years off from performing.  Isn´t it enough to find some groundedness in this crazy life that has been handed me, isn´t it enough to seek serenity and do whatever makes me happy in the moment, even if it´s planting rows of carrots in the garden instead of practicing my turns and upper body technique?  I don´t yet have an answer.  I don´t want to feel guilty for watching DIY home improvement and design videos online.  I also don´t want to feel guilty for harboring that secret dream to drop everything and dance and live in abject poverty.  I am not expecting answers.  But I´m saying this is where my mind goes.  This is the nature of the artsy mama I guess.

I spent most of midwinter break decorating the garage with the upholstered insulation panels I mentioned in a previous post, getting really good at the staple gun and the liquid nails with the caulking gun.  And I kept wondering when I would consider myself "done" and ready to start using the space for dancing.  The floor was in there.  Wasn´t that enough?  Shouldn´t I drop everything and dance?  No, I guess not.  It needs to look good, and feel good, before I´ll be comfortable being myself and stretching my abilities.  There is always a balance to be struck in each day. 

What is most important today?  What´s the next step?  What can I do now?  It doesn´t have to be all at once.  It doesn´t have to be right now.  Next year I will drop everything and dance.  And it will be okay.  And in the meantime I will care for my son the way he needs to be cared for, and I will care for myself the way I need, and I will slowly work my way back to a place where I feel confident and completely immersed in art.

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